


Fly Me to the Moon

by Esperata



Category: Batman (1966)
Genre: 1960s, Established Relationship, M/M, Oral Sex, Secret Relationship, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed, Space Flight, Weddings, not scientifically accurate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-06-25 12:35:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19745896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/pseuds/Esperata
Summary: Joker has roped Penguin, Catwoman and Riddler into an audacious scheme to claim the moon before anyone else. All Ozzie and Eddie have to do is keep their secret relationship, well,secret, on the caper. Easy, right?





	1. Count Down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hobbit_Riddlebird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbit_Riddlebird/gifts).



> I know how inaccurate all the science is here. Believe me. I study planetary sciences. I _know_. However in order to keep it in the same vein as the 60s TV series I had to sacrifice realism. Quite violently.
> 
> Still, this is my own way of commemorating the historic moon landing of 20th July 1969. Thank you to hobbitpuff-riddlebird for the initial suggestion.

“Voila!” Joker flung his arms out wide as they entered the huge warehouse. Penguin looked upwards. Then he looked upwards some more.

“My word!” he exclaimed. “That’s a big rocket!”

“You can see your money was well spent,” Joker snapped back a tad defensively before grinning widely. “But it needs to be big if it’s to carry us all!”

“Us all?” Penguin queried.

“The intrepid members of the United Underworld!”

Joker laughed while Penguin clenched his cigarette holder between his teeth. This was typical of the Joker. While criminals of intelligence such as himself made carefully detailed plans, Joker’s schemes were often more fluid and therefore likely to collapse.

When he’d first been approached by the clown prince of crime, the idea had been simple. Beat both the Americans and the Russians in their space race, declare the moon as their own sovereign land, and then claim diplomatic immunity in their future endeavours. Penguin had been sceptical of the practicality of building a spaceship but Joker had connections in that area which upon investigation seemed to have a solid scientific basis.

Simple as the plan was, it wasn’t going to be cheap. Hence his appeal to the only rogue with any collateral to his name. In return Joker agreed to bring Penguin along to share in the spoils. There had been no mention at that stage of anyone else.

“I meant,” he growled, “who else are you bringing on board?”

“Well, while your funding was essential to getting the necessary expertise involved and organising the launch, it seemed simpler to utilise less costly methods for procuring materials.”

“You hired a thief?”

“Not a thief,” a feminine voice interrupted. “A cat burglar.”

Penguin turned with a gracious smile.

“Catwoman. A pleasure. As always.”

She grinned ferally back and continued to slink forward, her own eyes drifting up the expanse of rocket.

“Red,” she muttered. “Not the colour I’d have chosen.”

“I’ve always wanted my own bright red rocket,” Joker replied with a happy laugh.

Penguin looked again at the ship that was to carry them into orbit. It was reassuring in its sturdiness. Gleaming paint with the emblem ‘United Underworld’ printed down the side.

“There better be room to move about inside,” Catwoman sniped.

“Oh there is. As much as possible,” Joker conceded. “Enough bunk space for all four of us to sleep once we get there and therefore plenty for the other three days I’m sure.”

Penguin’s attention snapped back.

“Excuse me. _Four_ of us?”

“Ah yes. The other member of our little royal court. It turns out flying a rocket and landing on the moon is a tad more complicated than I anticipated. Particularly if we want to be able to fly it back. I had to recruit someone with a modicum of experience in rocketry.”

Penguin could feel his heart rate increase and his stomach twist with anxiety.

“Who?” he demanded although he already knew the answer. There was only one criminal knowledgeable enough that even the Joker would defer to his intelligence. And Penguin knew how easy the man found it to manipulate missiles and torpedoes.

“Penguin?” Riddler’s voice sounded surprised which usually would be enough to bring a smile to Oswald’s face. However all he could do now was turn and stare in his own blank surprise. “I didn’t know you were part of this party.”

Penguin had to lick his lips before he could think about replying and in that lull Joker took up the conversation.

“Pengy here laid out the initial funding for the venture. He was _first_ on board. Although this is the first time he’s come to visit our little project.”

“I’ve had concerns of my own to deal with,” Penguin growled back at Joker, flustered by the sudden change in his expectations.

“Of course.” Joker quickly soothed his obviously ruffled feathers. “We’re all equal partners here. One king, one queen, an ace and a Joker!” He laughed in delight at his own wit.

“Well I’m obviously the queen,” Catwoman purred, “and clearly you’re our resident Joker.” She eyed Riddler and Penguin who were awkwardly avoiding each other’s eyes. “But which of these two is my king?”

“Riddler, naturally,” Joker answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“Why _naturally_?” Penguin demanded.

“Why? Because you’ve been our back up ace in the hole while we’ve been working on this project!” Joker declared. “If Batman got wind of any one of us then we were relying on you to distract his attention.”

Penguin settled back, mollified by the explanation. That was until Joker decided to continue.

“That and the fact that Riddler looks more the part of Catwoman’s king.”

“Just what do you mean by that?” Oswald demanded angrily puffing himself up, more than a little embarrassed at the implication being made in front of Edward.

“Well…” Joker slid himself round and hooked an arm about both Catwoman and Riddler’s shoulders. “Don’t they look like a picture perfect couple?”

Penguin could hardly help but agree as he cast his gaze between the taller pair. Both were undeniably attractive. He bit his tongue to keep from saying anything foolish.

Riddler meanwhile was extricating himself from Joker’s clutches.

“I have to disagree. I’m too much of a gallivant to be a king. Penguin fits the stereotypical image much better. Affluent and distinguished.”

A faint flush tinged Penguin’s cheeks at the praise.

“Hhm,” Joker considered. “Perhaps you’re right.”

“Excuse me,” Catwoman interrupted with an amused glance between Riddler and Penguin. “If you’ve quite finished arguing over who’s more kingly, perhaps we should get going?”

“Oh yes!” Joker agreed as if he’d quite forgotten why they were all there. “Allow me.” He gallantly offered Catwoman his hand and led her to the ladder up to the gantry.

Riddler took the opportunity to sneak closer to Penguin.

“I swear I had no idea you were joining us Ozzie,” he whispered. “Joker’s never very clear about his plans and I was entirely focused on the technical side of things.”

“Its alright,” Penguin muttered back. “Its only three days, right? We can play things cool that long.”

“Six days. At least,” Edward corrected.

Penguin threw him a startled look so he explained.

“Minimum three days there followed by at least three days back, not counting however long Joker decides to waste staking his claim to the moon.”

“A week!” Penguin tried to keep his voice down but he was aware it was more of a squawk of alarm and he cast a wary glance to where Joker seemed to be happily involved watching Catwoman graceful sway going up the ladder. He was very aware that would probably be him in a few minutes if Edward preceded him up.

“A week of close confinement pretending we’re mere colleagues?” he hissed back at Ed.

“Its not my fault!” Riddler hissed back. “But we can hardly back out now. That will look even _more_ suspicious.”

Oswald chewed on his cigarette holder. Riddler was right. Of course. He had no valid reason not to want to join the expedition unless he claimed fear of the journey, which wouldn’t reflect well on his reputation.

“I’m sure it won’t be so bad,” Edward insisted, albeit unthinkingly laying a reassuring hand on Oswald’s arm. “Joker and Catwoman’s presence will dampen any prospective mood that might come over us normally.”

“Yes. Yes of course,” Oswald agreed even while still relishing the feel of that familiar hand upon him. He couldn’t deny there was a certain thrill in the possibility of discovery. With a significant cough he made himself step away. “We better join the others before they get inquisitive about the delay.”

Without further ado he made his way determinedly over to the ladder where Joker was already almost at the top. He gripped it firmly and awkwardly started clambering upwards. Behind him he heard an unexpected whimper.

“Oswald? Perhaps in future I should go up first?”

Despite himself, Penguin smirked.


	2. Five

Insofar as Penguin had ever considered take-off, he’d assumed it would be much like an aeroplane. A little turbulence and then time to sit back with something alcoholic for the rest of the flight. The reality was shockingly different.

He gripped the sides of his chair with a vice-like grip and clenched his teeth hard on his cigarette holder as the shaking grew ever more violent. If his bones weren’t being shaken so hard he would have demanded of Joker whether everything was alright. Surely this couldn’t be normal? Why had he ever trusted the fool with something of this magnitude?

A new pressure about his wrist distracted him and he glanced over to see Edward had reached across the short distance between their seats to take hold of his hand. Awkwardly he twisted his own to clutch Eddie back even as he searched his eyes for reassurance. If anyone on this ship knew what to expect of space flight then it would be the smartest man in Gotham. Through his own grit teeth Riddler managed a smile for Penguin and the other man felt a measure of calm at the sight.

They maintained their firm grip until the shaking suddenly tailed away into an eerie quiet.

“There!” Joker announced, fingers and eyes flitting over the readouts. “That wasn’t so bad was it?”

“I think I’m going to be sick,” Catwoman muttered, lowering her head towards her knees.

“Yes, well.” Joker cast a wary glance at her. “It might take a while to find your space legs. Perhaps a lie down would be best. Riddler, Penguin, you can take the first watch.”

“I beg your pardon?” Penguin hastily disengaged their hands as Joker turned to face them. “What do you mean ‘first watch’?”

“I’d have thought that would be obvious,” the clown huffed. “Someone has to stay at the controls while we’re flying. Only Riddler and I know how to pilot this thing. Neither of us can stay awake the entire journey. Be reasonable!”

Penguin shifted awkwardly as he contemplated that. Joker was right. It was obvious and he wondered that he hadn’t considered it before. But he was hard put to decide whether this would be easier sharing a shift alone with Eddie or being separated for the whole week, knowing they were literally feet apart.

Still, he wasn’t about to admit he hadn’t anticipated it.

“I merely meant who decided we get first shift? And why us two, not Eddie and Catwoman for example?”

He avoided Edward’s eyes, hoping the other man understood his misgivings.

“Oh come now!” Joker insisted. “Catwoman is positively green about the gills! She can’t take first watch. And I just managed the rather stressful business of getting us airborne. Its hardly fair to make me take first shift as well.” He pouted extravagantly and Penguin rolled his eyes. Before he could reply though Riddler interrupted.

“Come on Pengy. It’ll be fun. I can teach you all about space.”

Catwoman gave up on awaiting a verdict and darted past them all to the small cubicle at the back. The sound of vomiting followed and Penguin and Riddler cast expectant looks to Joker.

“Fine. I’ll make sure she’s alright.”

As he stomped past them to go take care of their poorly comrade, Edward chuckled.

“Now don’t tell me we haven’t got the better end of this deal?” he challenged.

Oswald surveyed his bright eyed companion and couldn’t help the softening of his own gaze.

“As long as you remember we’re not alone on this flight,” he cautioned quietly.

“Of course.” Edward briskly got himself out of his chair and moved forward to sit in front of the control panel. With a quick glance over his shoulder he threw a grin back. “Now come sit with me so you can see this view.”

Penguin fumbled briefly with his seatbelts before following Ed to the front window. As he sat himself down he got a perfect view of the heavens and let out an involuntary gasp.

“I’ve never seen so many stars!”

“Growing up in the city you wouldn’t. Light pollution,” he added, as though that explained everything. “But not many people will ever have had a view like this.”

“Its wonderful. Simply wonderful.”

Silence fell between them a moment as they each drank in the black expanse dotted with pinpoints and swirls of light. Then a frown marred Penguin’s brow.

“I thought there wasn’t gravity in space? Why aren’t we floating?”

He wouldn’t admit to any disappointment about the situation although the idea of having no weight to carry around had been appealing.

“Ah!” Edward perked up at the question and the chance to expound his knowledge. “Do you remember the Clock King?”

The unexpected question threw Penguin for a moment and he chewed on his cigarette holder thoughtfully.

“Do you mean the Mad Hatter’s brother? Morris Tetch?”

“They’re brothers?”

Penguin smiled. If there was one area he always excelled over Riddler it was in knowing interpersonal relationships and leverage points. He hummed in acknowledgement but didn’t elaborate, wanting to allow Eddie to continue with his own explanation.

“Well, be that as it may, he came up with an anti-gravity platform. It didn’t take much tweaking to turn it into a gravity plate to install as flooring.”

“Very clever,” Penguin praised and was rewarded with Edward positively puffing out his chest in pride.

“Though I’m sure we’d have had fun in zero gravity.” Riddler shot him an unrepentantly flirty look. “All those accidental collisions.”

“Bouncing about like a billiard ball doesn’t sound like much fun to me,” Penguin huffed, determined not to be riled.

“Oh I don’t know,” Riddler purred and snuck a hand across to Penguin’s thigh. “I’ve always admired your bounce.”

The blush bloomed immediately on Penguin’s cheek, undone by the combination of innuendo and soft touch. With a self-conscious cough he picked up Eddie’s hand and returned it to its owner’s lap.

“Eddie,” he warned quietly. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to start anything we can’t finish.”

“What?” Riddler shot him an innocent expression. “A reassuring pat on the leg is too much? You didn’t object to holding my hand during take off.”

“That was different. I don’t need reassuring right now.”

“Well how was I to know that?” Eddie asked guilelessly before lowering his voice to whisper. “Come on Ozzie. You can’t expect me to go that long without _some_ form of contact. We haven’t seen each other in _weeks_. Please.”

If there was one thing Penguin couldn’t resist it was Eddie begging for anything. Especially when it was something he wanted himself. And it had felt like a long separation. Still, he made a show of rolling his eyes before relenting.

“Very well. But do _try_ to be subtle.”

Eddie’s hand immediately returned to its favoured spot where his fingers began a gentle rubbing.

“When am I ever anything else?” he threw back with a blinding grin.

Penguin simply grit his teeth and tried to relax. He had a feeling that, with them, a little in moderation wasn’t actually an achievable goal but there was surely a first time for everything.


	3. Four

Despite Penguin’s concerns, their shift on watch was actually quite peaceful. Edward had little to do in terms of managing their flight so they were able to sit together and talk. Unlike almost everyone else of their acquaintance, they’d always been able to converse for hours over a wide variety of topics without growing bored. Or being overwhelmed with a desire to murder the other.

They were both highly intelligent in their own ways, with just enough difference of perspective that their discussions were elucidating rather than repetitive. Penguin had social skills and he understood how emotions led people in seemingly random choices. Riddler knew facts on every conceivable subject and could unravel problems with unparalleled logic. Between them they demystified many public conundrums.

And all the while Eddie’s hand held its place on Penguin’s thigh, spreading a welcome warmth and occasionally rubbing a comforting caress.

It wasn’t until Catwoman and Joker returned that Penguin’s anxiety had another reason to spike.

“Any little green men?”

Joker’s loud voice from across the cabin made Penguin jump and Edward feigned checking a dial as he leant across him to cover removing his hand from its provocative position.

“Wak! There’s no such things as aliens,” he huffed, shifting himself out of his chair and round to glare at the clown.

“I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you,” Joker advised, casting his gaze across the control panel briskly.

“I’d like to think it would have occurred to me to wake you if we were boarded by extra-terrestrials,” Edward snapped.

Joker sniffed and settled into the pilot seat without another word on the subject.

Penguin had just awkwardly slid past Catwoman, and Edward was about to follow suit, when she reached out and clasped each of their arms.

“I don’t want either of you boys sleeping in my quarters,” she told them. “You can bunk in the other bed.”

Simultaneously Penguin and Riddler turned to stare at Joker.

“There’s only two beds?” Riddler got his question out first.

At the front of the craft, Joker shrugged.

“I knew we’d be taking shifts and space _is_ at a premium. They’re doubles,” he added in defence.

Penguin turned to Catwoman with his most charming smile.

“My dear, surely you could stand to share if-”

“No,” she interrupted firmly. “I need private space on this craft.”

Her glare was not to be argued with and realistically neither man could argue with a woman about what space she did or didn’t need. Especially one with such sharp claws.

“Very well,” he acquiesced and she finally released her hold.

Rubbing at his arm where she’d dug her grip in, Penguin led the way to what passed for sleeping chambers. It was little more than a mattress behind a door. Not even a big mattress. They’d be close together whether they liked it or not.

“Won’t this be snug?” Edward purred over his ear. Penguin hoped he didn’t notice his shiver.

“Don’t go getting ideas,” he warned, toeing his shoes off and slipping them under the bed.

“Who’s getting ideas?” Riddler asked, following suit before falling dramatically down. “I’m just getting comfy. Why don’t you join me?”

Penguin dallied a little longer, stashing his monocle, cigarette holder and hat as best he could in the limited space. Then he bit the metaphorical bullet and crawled onto the bed.

Immediately, Edward shifted up and leant closer.

“You shouldn’t wear so many layers to bed,” he admonished teasingly.

“Eddie…” But his remonstration was half hearted at best. It was true he shouldn’t sleep in his jacket and bowtie after all. He stopped Riddler’s hands as they reached for his belt though. “I’ll get that.”

Once he’d shed as many outer layers as he was going to, he chanced a look down at Riddler who was splayed out quite comfortably already. The man was wearing a Cheshire cat grin that was not at all reassuring in the circumstances and it was with a great deal of trepidation that Penguin eased himself down alongside.

Somewhat to his surprise, Edward maintained his position and didn’t immediately crowd in. He would not admit to any disappointment to that fact.

“Who’d have thought we’d ever be here,” Eddie murmured thoughtfully instead.

“In bed together? I wouldn’t have thought that was still surprising.”

Riddler laughed.

“I meant in space.” He rolled and splayed one arm across Penguin’s stomach. “Glad to know I take higher priority than the grandeur of the infinite.”

“You’re of more immediate concern than the outside environment,” Penguin corrected.

Riddler looked down at him contemplatively and Penguin wondered what it was he saw.

“There’s nothing to worry about,” he said softly. “We were ordered to share a bed after all. And there’s not enough room to stuff a pillow between us.”

“Yes, well. As long as we don’t forget ourselves.”

“Perish the thought,” Edward agreed, nevertheless running his hand in rhythmic patterns across the familiar expanse under his palm. “How about a goodnight kiss though?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea Eddie.”

Penguin knew his heart had skipped and his breathing hitched at the suggestion but realised it was probably his eyes that had given away his desire to Edward. The other man pouted exaggeratedly.

“But we promised,” Eddie reminded him. “Never to part or say goodnight without a last kiss.”

“In case it really is our last kiss,” Penguin completed, seeing Riddler nod in return. “Well, when you put it like that…”

Whether Penguin drew Riddler down or he swooped in at the invite neither could say but the result was the same. Lips meeting and tongues greeting, desperate to taste. What should have been a perfunctory goodnight peck quickly turned into something else entirely. It wasn’t until Penguin let out a moan that he snapped back into vivid awareness of where they were and what they were doing and broke the contact.

His face was already flushed from the intensity but flamed hotter when he realised Eddie had managed to undo several buttons to sweep his hands over his revealed flesh.

He scooted back the scant inches possible and hastened to refasten his shirt, keeping his eyes away from the debauched look of his lover.

“I think,” he said curtly, “it would be best if we sleep back to back.”

For a second he thought Edward would argue and he shot him a stubborn look. The other man swallowed back whatever he’d been about to say and nodded jerkily before obediently rolling himself over. Penguin let out a sigh of relief and settled himself down, shifting so he could at least feel Eddie’s back behind him.

“Goodnight Eddie,” he whispered gently.

“Goodnight Ozzie.”


	4. Three

The next day Penguin was much more insistent about personal space. When Joker had come to wake them, the clown had found Riddler draped across Penguin’s back, cuddling him like a teddy bear. While Joker’s teasing had been so much water off Eddie’s back, Oswald knew he’d be mortified if Joker had caught him in such a compromising position.

Riddler of course enjoyed flirting and bantered quite easily about the lure of a soft warm body. Which only made Penguin feel worse about it all. He knew the genius was simply acting in the most appropriate way to discourage attention but it still embarrassed him. And he couldn’t help but worry that’s all he was to the other man: a soft warm willing body.

Edward wasn’t the best at reading body language but even he picked up on Penguin’s desire to be left alone when they made their way for their second shift at the controls. For the first part of the morning they maintained their own separate silent bubbles. Riddler kept his hands and eyes to himself, wishing to prove he had self-control in case Penguin thought his cuddling had been deliberate. He even managed to quell his desire to speak for a while.

Across from him, the solitude began to weigh on Penguin. It seemed that if Eddie couldn’t have physical contact then he wasn’t interested in intellectual interaction either. Had all their meetings been based on no more than physicality? Would Ed want him at all if sex was off the table? He’d all but demanded touching yesterday.

Lunch provided something of an ice breaker between them giving Riddler an opening to start chattering again. Penguin answered his enquiries about the food but was noticeably less forthcoming than usual which raised red flags for the man. Oswald was always willing to talk about food. Whether to complain about it or elucidate Ed on what the best delicacies he’d encountered were.

The lack of response made him anxious and Ed began rambling. He talked about the science of rocketry, the history of space and what crimes they might perpetrate when they returned. Through it all Oswald remained stoically silent, apparently sunk in his own mind, far away from Ed.

Eventually even he had to concede defeat and his chatter trailed away once again into silence as he focused on what could possibly be so wrong. He knew Ozzie was uncomfortable about Ed’s clinginess when they were woken but surely he couldn’t actually blame him for what he did in his sleep? And he’d played it off to Joker so their secret was still safe. Yet it was the only thing that had happened.

Riddler had thought the embarrassment would pass but it had gotten worse instead. Did that mean Ozzie wasn’t just upset about this incident but perhaps their relationship as well? Maybe the threat of it being revealed had started him into reassessing things. It was entirely possible Penguin had realised what an embarrassment them actually being public would be and not simply because of the stigma on them being men but because of Riddler’s personality. The horrid thought that they were about to break up settled in Eddie’s mind and he found himself worrying at the edge of his hand anxiously.

“Did you…” his voice cracked slightly and he coughed before trying again. “Did you want to end things Ozzie?”

This question at least broke the other man out of his funk and he swung round to stare at him. Ed saw him visibly gulp before replying and steeled himself for what was to come.

“Did… did you?”

“No! No, not at all. But I’d understand if you did.”

“I don’t, no, but… what is this to you Eddie? What am _I_ to you?”

Edward saw the anxiety shining in the other’s eyes and knew he couldn’t prevaricate about this.

“What are you? Ozzie, you’re everything to me. I’d marry you tomorrow if only we could.”

The reply was clearly not what he’d been expecting and Penguin’s mouth dropped open in shock, his ever present cigarette holder falling out unnoticed.

“Eddie… do you really mean that?”

“Of course I do. I wouldn’t have said it else.”

“Then I’m not…” Ozzie cut himself off and looked away.

Riddler wasn’t about to allow that though. Not having spent so much of the day drowning in his own thoughts. He reached over carefully and brushed his fingers over the sharp chin, encouraging the face back towards him.

“Not what Ozzie? What were you thinking? Surely the fact even my unconscious body wouldn’t let you go shows how much you mean to me.”

The comment irked Penguin who slapped Edward’s hand away.

“You said it yourself though. The subconscious naturally seeks out a heat source. I could have been anybody.”

Edward tilted his head in a familiar manner that indicated he thought Ozzie was being particularly slow but he’d backtrack because he loved him.

“I was perfectly conscious when we went to bed though,” he said. “And I’ve sought you out enough times over the past months to make a pretty convincing argument I prefer you over every other option.”

“Is that just because I’m in love with you though?” The words burst out of Oswald, unstoppable now they were given an opening. The realisation of what he’d admitted made him blush again but he persevered. “I’m an easy conquest for you. A convenient bed companion.”

“Convenient?” Edward couldn’t help but laugh. “Do you know how difficult it is to sneak past your security measures some nights? And that’s not even considering your unpredictable mood swings. I certainly wouldn’t go to that effort if I was only looking for a brief relief.”

“Then, you’re not just after me for my soft willing body?”

Riddler felt some of his tension ease as he heard the note of hope buried within Penguin’s anxious question.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very fond of your body. _Very_ fond.” He cast an appreciative glance over it. “But it wouldn’t appeal at all without the sparkling quick witted mind housed within.”

He risked reaching across again to brush his fingers over Oswald’s temples and into the edge of his hairline. To his delight, Ozzie leant into the touch.

“I love your mind too,” he admitted. “No-one else has the ability to so consistently amaze me.”

“And my body’s just the price you pay for my genius is it?”

The taunt had the desired effect and Oswald smirked as he reached over to grasp Eddie’s knee.

“Now I didn’t say that did I? In fact,” he surveyed Riddler briskly up and down, a slight frown creasing his brow as he did so. “I think I can only see one thing wrong with your body.”

Eddie’s gaze flickered anxiously between Oswald and himself.

“What’s that?”

Oswald leant closer so he could whisper his response.

“Its dressed.”

The sudden flush rushing through him made Edward think Ozzie had the right idea. It was surely far too hot for clothes.


	5. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _If anyone wants to skip the smut, this is the chapter to skip._

One thing Riddler and Penguin had always had in common was their erudite natures. So it shouldn’t really have come as a surprise that when they engaged in verbal flirting, they were both well equipped. What was surprising was that in their time dating they’d never really done so before. Not to the lengths they were now anyway.

Obviously it made sense when normally they were stealing time together and conscious of being discovered but now, hurtling through space with only two possible eavesdroppers, they devoted the rest of their shift to creative ways to fluster each other without use of physical contact. Penguin could safely say it was the most fun he’d had fully clothed in his entire life. There was only one downside.

“Has the air conditioning broken?”

Catwoman’s voice exuded irritation and Joker pushed past to examine the readouts.

“No,” Riddler insisted, leaning out of Joker’s way with his own irritated expression. “Why would you think that?”

“Because you two look flushed,” she pointed out, her nose wrinkling.

“High spirits, my dear,” Penguin assured her, rising so she could take his seat.

“Well I’m glad someone’s enjoying this trip,” Joker muttered, dropping into his own chair. “Who knew space travel would be so dull?”

“You should try making your own entertainment,” Ed suggested teasingly.

Whatever Joker was going to say to that was interrupted by Catwoman.

“If you attempt to tell me jokes again I will duct tape your mouth shut.”

Edward couldn’t quite hide his chuckle as they left the other two and made their way to the bunks. Following Penguin gave him the delightful opportunity to ogle his backside as well. All in all he was definitely in high spirits as they made their way to bed.

Once again he flopped down immediately he’d kicked his shoes off and then waited expectantly for Ozzie to join him. Penguin was deliberately tucking his accoutrements away until he let out a low curse and Eddie tensed.

“Something wrong?” He hoped to whatever deity might be listening that Penguin wasn’t going to insist on separation tonight. He didn’t think he could stand it.

“I left my cigarette holder behind.”

Eddie let out his breath in relief.

“Well, you won’t be needing it now,” he pointed out sensibly before patting the space next to him. Oswald eyed him speculatively and Edward found his breath stilling again in anxiety.

“You shouldn’t sleep in those clothes again my dear. Why don’t we hang them up to air?”

Riddler was in motion before he’d finished speaking, wriggling out of the spandex outfit eagerly. He heard a low chuckle and glanced up to see Ozzie waiting with one hand out expectantly. As soon as he was free Eddie handed the suit over and Penguin diligently hung it on the door hook, taking an extra second to smooth out the fabric.

“Ozzie,” Ed whined, shifting onto his knees and shimmying closer.

“Hhmm?” Penguin glanced down at him, alluring in his easy dominance.

“Let me help you with your clothes,” Eddie purred, hands hovering awaiting permission.

“That would be much apprec-oh!” He let out a gasp as Edward dove forward, latching his lips onto Ozzie’s neck even as his hands pushed his jacket away. “Eddie!”

Riddler pulled back just far enough to glance up and meet Penguin’s eyes, needing to be sure that wasn’t an actual admonition. The gentle caress through his hair was reassurance enough and he returned his attention to divesting Penguin of his layers. This time he took his time, carefully undoing each button and slipping his hands underneath.

Once bare skin actually came into view though he couldn’t restrain himself. He licked his lips once and leant in to place the most delicate of kisses everywhere he could reach. There was a noticeable shudder through the besieged man before Ed’s world suddenly shifted.

He let out a gasp as his back hit the mattress, and then another hitched breath as a warm familiar weight settled onto him.

“My turn,” Ozzie murmured and all Ed could do was nod.

The feel of soft lips lit a burning trail over his collar bone and down his chest making him writhe. He began to babble as the sensation drifted lower prompting Ozzie to stop and look up at him reprovingly.

“Eddie. You have to be quiet. If you can’t then I shall have to stop. Can you be quiet?”

He nodded frantically, hands already pawing at Ozzie to go back where he’d been moments before. As Penguin obligingly moved back down, Riddler bit his teeth into his hand to stifle any noises. He couldn’t deny it was exciting having to censor himself, knowing how close by the others were, but also knowing somehow that there was a part of both him and Ozzie that wouldn’t care if they were discovered. What did it matter when they loved each other?

The crime of concealment still heightened his enjoyment though. Riddler always received a buzz from a well executed plan and this was no different as the evidence of his enjoyment was skilfully swallowed leaving no trace behind. He let out a contented sigh as he released his abused hand and relaxed bonelessly back into the mattress. Then his eyes fell upon his lover who was licking the last drops from his lips and his heart surged with affection for the man.

He held his arms out and waited for Oswald to shift close enough to embrace.

“I love you,” he murmured quietly into his hair.

A huffed breath met this declaration.

“You’re high on endorphins,” Oswald complained before shifting awkwardly. “I’d rather have a different show of your affection right now.”

His wiggling motion had reminded Ed that while he was basking in the afterglow, Oswald was not yet. He released his hold and settled back.

“Bring yourself up here then.”

Oswald looked at him in disbelief.

“You’re not serious. I’ll flatten you.”

“No you won’t.” Ed ran his hands across the thick thighs encouragingly. “Besides, I doubt you’ll be long.”

Penguin thought about that a second before silently agreeing and edging his way cautiously up to straddle Eddie’s shoulders.

“Perfect,” Riddler murmured before darting upwards and engulfing him practically whole.

There was a cut off strangled squawk before Penguin mastered himself and stared down wide eyed. Ed held completely still, looking up expectantly until Ozzie got the idea and began carefully moving himself. The mattress began squeaking as he did, and Ed almost called a halt, but he could barely focus past the effort of holding his mouth open and the grounding feel of hands gripping his hair just a tad too tight. Then it ceased to matter as Oswald spilled into him, movements slowing until he was simply shuddering with the effort of holding himself up.

Eddie rubbed his hands soothingly over the now sweaty flanks before gently guiding him up and over to lie at his side.

“That was good,” he murmured. “Bet we’re the first people to do that in space.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” Ozzie muttered tiredly, snuggling closer in and encouraging Ed to hold him tighter. Eddie kissed his head, smirking at the messed up hair.

“I still love you,” he whispered.

Ozzie sighed.

“I love you too.”


	6. One

“Urgh! Catwoman, hide your eyes. That’s a sight you will _not_ unsee.”

Edward was awoken by the words before almost immediately feeling a shifting motion on his chest. Then he pried his eyes open to blink towards the disturbance. He saw Ozzie first, blinking the sleep from his own eyes as he awkwardly twisted his head to peer at their intruders. Then they both focused on the others in the doorway.

It was surprising to see the other rogues there. Or perhaps not surprising to see them but surprising to realise he and Ozzie had done nothing to prevent such a discovery. Almost as if they’d wanted the others to find them like this. He couldn’t deny a primitive part of his brain wanted to crow and proclaim his ownership. Now it seemed he had an opportunity to do so.

“Do you mind?!” Penguin snatched clumsily at the sheet they were lying on in an attempt to pull an edge over himself and retain a modicum of dignity. It was a bit late for that in Eddie’s opinion but he wasn’t keen on anyone else ogling Ozzie’s buttocks either.

Catwoman let out a long suffering sigh.

“Could you not keep it in your pants for a few days?”

“And out of wedlock too,” Joker admonished mockingly.

“Well that’s hardly our fault now is it?” Edward finally joined in, moving under the security of the procured sheet so he could sit up and glare. Next to him Oswald finally rolled himself over to do likewise.

“They do have a point there,” Catwoman agreed to Joker who quietly conceded the point.

“You’re taking this very calmly,” Penguin pointed out accusingly, making her roll her eyes.

“I hate to break it to you but most of us have known about you two for ages.”

“What?!” Riddler couldn’t restrain his shock.

“You weren’t exactly subtle,” Catwoman added in a tone that might have been sympathetic. Or pitying at least.

Suddenly Joker clapped his hands and burst out laughing, startling all of them.

“We’ll have a wedding!” he declared.

The other members of the United Underworld shared a confused look.

“Er, did you miss the part where we’re both men?” Ed queried.

“That’s the beauty of it! What better way to inaugurate our new constitution than legalising everything that was illegal before?” Joker grinned delightedly.

“It would certainly be dramatic if we want to catch the headlines,” Catwoman said thoughtfully. “And its not like there’s much else we can do to shock the nation from up here.”

Riddler caught Penguin’s eye questioningly.

“Would you give us a minute?” he demurred.

Joker seemed about to object when his eye landed on the discarded pants and he changed his mind.

“We’ll let you get decent,” he agreed magnanimously.

As they vanished back toward the cockpit, Oswald started pulling his underwear back on.

“Ozzie?” Ed spoke tentatively. “Don’t you want to talk about this?”

“Of course I do!” he snapped back before softening his tone. “But I will not discuss marriage with you while we’re both naked.”

Riddler silently acquiesced and grabbed his own clothes. There were butterflies in his stomach now and he wasn’t quite sure why. Despite Joker’s insistence on this being their own nation, Riddler knew it was unlikely to be acknowledged as such. He was along for the theatricality of it all and the chance to showcase his engineering expertise in getting them to the moon. So he didn’t think a marriage presided over by the Joker would be recognised by any state on Earth.

He chanced a glance to see if Ozzie was dressed yet and his heart lurched. It didn’t matter if it was considered true or fake to everyone else he realised. If they chose to do this then it would be real to _them_. And that was all that mattered.

He inhaled carefully before turning fully to Penguin who was looking for something in the space under the bed.

“You left your cigarette holder up front yesterday,” he reminded him.

“Pity. I could really do with a smoke right now.” He finally focused his attention on Edward. “So.”

Edward waited but it seemed Oswald didn’t know what to say next so he took up the conversation.

“You know my views Ozzie. I told you yesterday I’d marry you if I could. I stand by that.”

“You really mean that? I mean yesterday it was an impossibility. Like promising someone the moon…” his speech stumbled as he realised where they were and how that phrase now had new meaning.

“Impossibility or not, I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with you. The question is, do you feel the same?”

“How can you even ask that?” he queried softly. “I’d be honoured to have you by my side. Always.”

Riddler grinned and reached out to clutch Penguin’s hands.

“Then I guess we’re getting married Mister Cobblepot.”

“This will be _our_ legacy Eddie. Joker can have his first man on the moon accolade. We’ll set a precedent for people like us the world over. The ones society doesn’t deign to recognise. Prove that all laws can be circumvented if you have the right ingenuity.” A wide grin spread over Penguin’s face.

“And we have ingenuity in spades,” Riddler agreed, leaning forward for a brief kiss before positively bouncing from the bed. “Come on! There’s arrangements to be made before we reach our destination.”

He pulled Oswald along in his wake, glancing back when he found the man slowing his pace. Penguin was looking quite dazed suddenly.

“How are we supposed to do this?” he muttered. “Will Joker officiate? Is Catwoman our witness?”

“We can do this however we want. Its going to be our service, in every sense!”

As he giggled happily Penguin shook his head fondly.

“Promise me you won’t incorporate some dreadful wordplay into your vows,” he insisted.

“How about we write each other’s vows? Or each write a version and amalgamate them? Or alternate lines.”

“Or I’ll ask Catwoman to draft something,” Ozzie interrupted.

Before Eddie could argue with that, they swept into the cockpit and his attention was diverted by the sudden attention from their friends.

“Catwoman. Joker.” He posed dramatically. “We have decided to make our union public before the world. Now, we don’t have much time so let’s make plans.”


	7. Lift-off

Landing on the moon wasn’t half so exciting now that Oswald knew this was to be his wedding day. He’d never thought he would get married. Oh, he’d schemed to do so a couple of times but that was hardly the same thing. Marrying for wealth or convenience as opposed to marrying for love.

And he did love Edward Nygma. For all that he was a certifiable lunatic obsessed with leaving clues to showcase his own brilliance, Oswald wouldn’t have him any other way. The problem was he was now concerned with how Edward could truly want _him_ the way he was.

Edward had gone to help Joker safely land their craft leaving Oswald going through his last minute panic with Catwoman.

“Hold still!” she demanded with a hiss. “Unless you want this mascara brush in your eye!”

“And that’s another thing,” Penguin continued, nevertheless stilling in her grasp. “I can’t even see properly out of this eye! Half blind, bird brained, awkward gait-”

Catwoman snarled and sunk her claws deeper into his jaw.

“Now listen to me you flighty feathery felon because I will **never** repeat this. I would give my right arm to have what you and Riddler have with… someone. The two of you have been making your relationship work despite frequent penitentiary visits and – rather pitiful – attempts at secrecy. And if you truly have any doubts that he loves you, bear in mind he’s about to broadcast the fact to a watching world despite it being akin to a death sentence in many places. Are you really so cowardly as to back out from doing the same?”

“No-one calls Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot a coward!” He rose in determination. “I’ll advertise my love to the world! Just see if I don’t.”

A slight jostling tipped them both sideways momentarily as the craft landed and Catwoman took advantage of the moment to stand and wrap her arm about his.

“Well let’s get this show on the road then.”

As they made their way to join the others, Oswald felt his butterflies returning. What if Edward had changed his mind? What if he was only doing this as a publicity stunt? Maybe they should have taken more time to talk this over. Would they live together from now on? Just how conjoined were they committing to be?

There was no more time to think though as Catwoman led him into what was to be his wedding venue. For a few seconds the other two didn’t notice them as they were still focused on the control panel.

“Are the cameras working?” Riddler asked and Oswald felt his stomach drop. Clearly the spectacle of it was paramount in Eddie’s thoughts.

Joker meanwhile was frowning.

“Yes. I can see the monitor feedback but I can’t tell if we’re transmitting. Bah!” He flicked a couple of switches irritably. “We’ll have no way of knowing if they even see it. Unless we get a radio signal back…” he trailed off as he checked some other dials.

It was at that point Edward spotted Oswald and his smile lit up the room.

“Let’s start now,” he suggested, not taking his eyes off Penguin.

Joker looked about to protest but then noticed the love struck looks of his two companions.

“Oh well,” he agreed cheerfully. “We might as well.”

He moved over to face the camera and pressed the button to start proceedings. With a wide grin he waved cheerfully at his hoped for audience.

“Coo-ee everyone! Greetings from the moon. Joker here with my compatriots of the United Underworld. We are officially claiming this land on behalf of villains everywhere. As such we are installing our own declaration of independence. We wish to be formally recognised as an individual state, with our own laws and customs to be respected. And no extrication allowed.

“For our first official act, we have chosen something special. Something to show we want nothing more than a safe place to live our lives and plot in peace. A wedding!”

He stepped aside and cast his arm out to invite the waiting grooms over. With shaky steps the nervous rogues approached each other, to stand side on to the camera, hands reaching out to clutch together. Joker stepped up to look between them at any viewers.

“Dearly beloved,” he began dramatically. “We are gathered here today to witness the union of this man, and this man, in wedded bliss. If anyone has any objections, speak now.”

He cast a glance to their only attendee who shrugged but kept quiet.

“In that case, I now declare you husband and husband.”

“We’re supposed to say our vows,” Penguin hissed as quietly as he could.

“Its not my fault I never thought to memorise a wedding ceremony before launch!” Joker complained. “And I don’t get that many invites.”

“Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot,” Riddler interrupted before a true argument could break out. “I call upon the world to witness that I claim you as my wedded husband. I vow to love and support you throughout our lives and be faithful only to you.”

Oswald felt the tears prickle at his eyes and grit his teeth to hold them back for fear of ruining his mascara.

“Ed-Edward Nygma… I call upon the world to witness that…” His voice cracked and he paused to swallow. Seconds later he felt Catwoman behind him whispering the rest of the words for him to follow. He focused on her voice and echoed the sounds. “That I claim you as my wedded husband. I vow to love and support you throughout our lives. And be faithful only to you.”

“I know what comes next,” Joker laughed gleefully. “I pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss!”

Eddie pressed closer and eagerly pressed his lips to Oswald, immediately deepening the kiss from the chaste peck Penguin had been expecting.

“Alright, alright.” Joker patted their shoulders to get their attention. “Take your honeymoon elsewhere.”

They broke apart and Ed cast his gaze swiftly over his new husband’s form, seemingly making a decision. Then, with a smile, he took his hand and led him past the purring Catwoman. Once out of sight though he leant close to whisper; “Perhaps weightlessness would be useful for me to properly carry you over the threshold.”

“And who decided I was to be the bride in this situation?” His sparkling eyes betrayed his amusement.

Eddie only grinned wider.

“Why, because you’re my bird.”

He giggled at his own poor joke as Oswald rolled his eyes affectionately. Then he solved any dilemma by simply wrapping his arms about him and rolling them both through the doorway onto their mattress. Joker could continue to try and establish radio contact with the Earth, to see if their message had in fact been received and to confirm their demands, but for now the happy couple didn’t care.

This entire mission had been in some measure an act of faith and vision. There had never been a guarantee of what benefits awaited them. Both of them would later agree they got far more out of it than they could ever have dreamt of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was honoured that geniusbeehive over on tumblr created some seriously cute art from this idea. Check it out.
> 
> https://geniusbeehive.tumblr.com/post/187338171951/coo-ee-everyone-greetings-from-the-moon-joker


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